I’m not sure what I want to say, Kiddo, so I’ll start with an “I miss you”, and hope that you are doing stellar. It is early Monday morning. and I am beside myself with concern. As of right now, there is no food in this apartment, not even for Mowzer, I have no money, I’m overdrawn at the bank, I have to pay something later today and I have no idea as to how to pay it. I guess you can say that my life sucks. I did not ask for this, and I can’t tell you enough how fucking tired I am of worrying about everything, Kiddo.
Everything that I have tried to get some money my Mother stopped me before I could even think out what I want to do. She says “You ain’t selling anything” in regards to my ideas to stay afloat, nor is anyone lending me any money, which I don’t want, by the way, at all. I’m told that we are going to be “fine”. I told her “I’ll believe it when I see it”, and it’s not meant that I don’t believe my Mother, or Soulmate for that matter, I’m concerned about misreading her, meaning, is it me thinking wishful thoughts, and she said “No”.
I’m actually nervous, Kiddo, about all this. I believe the people I once was, there is no faking a persona, and I believe that I’m “that guy”, but because of all the bullshit out there it took me a while to understand and accept this.
So why am I not “that guy” now? Because I need to wait for her to materialize, she is still in my brain, and with her being in there I’m blocked from being that guy. I told her that I don’t want this, and she said “too bad, Boo”. What frustrates me is that we are living like bums when we shouldn’t have to. Our food consists of 5 eggs, half a stick of butter, a pint of milk, some instant mashed potatoes, and a can of chicken broth. That is all we have right now, so tell me, how do we survive, Kiddo?
Now that I have been Charlie for several weeks, I can tell you that Charlie is pretty fucking pissed off, in fact, I’m so pissed that I told my Mother that I never want to see those who did not help us ever the fuck again. And you know what she said? “too bad.”
So now I need to see these fucking people.
You know something? I missed being me, for that is whom I am best. I’m bold, brassy, intelligent, witty, and I have the biggest balls of all. And I think that some have forgotten that. Kiddo, before all this I was the type who didn’t give a fuck, and I had no problem letting that be known. Now? Now I don’t give a fuck to the Nth degree.
She knows that I’m chomping at the bit since I grew tired of biting my tongue. I hold back to be polite, because no one wants to be called an idiot. Do I think that those who believe in someone because they were told to are idiots? It depends.
If someone believes in that bullshit because their parents pushed their fears onto them, well, I guess that I can understand. If they believe in that bullshit because they choose to, then they are an idiot. Or they are insane, either way, neither is good.
This is a big thing, Sweetheart, but someone tells me that we are going to be just fine. As for the people I now need to see, it will not be so fine for them, in fact, they’ll be praying for Satan to show up. And he won’t show, and neither will their “god”. So now what? Who are they going to call? Ghostbusters? “I ain’t afraid of no ghost”, and that’s because there are no such things as “ghosts”. The funny thing is, it’s not me they will fear, it’s my Soulmate that they will fear, or should I say, “aunt Carol” to some in the family. Oh, Kiddo, no one in the family is looking forward to this spanking, and it’s all their doing.
I didn’t ask for this. I was happy with my writing, getting high, and pounding the bottoms out of my 2 girlfriends. The nice thing about the 2 GF’s were that they were cousins, 1st cousins at that, so there wasn’t any rivalry between them, just me 🙂 . And now they’re gone, just like everyone else who was in my life then. I don’t want 2 girlfriends, I want one wife who understands me, one who is loyal, honest, intelligent, trustworthy and trusting, and affectionate. And guess who that is? 😉
I tried to write here yesterday morning, but someone wouldn’t allow it. If I am writing here now it is because she allowed it, for reasons unknown. I wasn’t sure as to what I was going to write yesterday, but she must have known that it wasn’t meant for here, but she did let me write at Facebook. Why she is letting me write now I have no idea.
I’m so tired, Kiddo, I just want this to end. There is no one on this rock who can compare their hardships to mine. Most of those people brought their hardship on themselves, usually by spending money they don’t have, for something they don’t need, to impress people they don’t even like. Or, they let others do their thinking for them.
I do my own thinking, and investigating, and researching, because I want to know the truth firsthand. I will not take someone’s word for something, just because. I don’t care who is telling me what, I want tangible facts to back what they are telling me, and if they cannot provide facts they have no business speaking with me. I don’t have space for fables, or someone’s interpretation of what was told to them by someone who has their own interpretation.
Something like that.
I don’t have much more to say, except that I am placing all my trust in my Mother and Soulmate.
And time is running out. I don’t know exactly what is going to happen, but something good needs to happen pretty fucking soon, for I don’t know what to do, Kiddo. I’m not good at being alone, as myself, Charlie. And being flat broke only makes matters worse.
How am I going to do this, Kiddo, any ideas?
Should I rob a bank? Suicide? Suicide is not the answer, no matter how much my family wants me dead. I guess here is where the trust comes in, for I don’t know what to do. I don’t have “faith”, faith is simply fear disguised as “virtue”, and nothing more. What I do have is my Mother. And she never lied to me.
Well, Sweetheart, I’m calling it a night, even though it is now 6 AM Monday. Who knows, maybe when I wake up everything will be okay.
Have a stellar day, and be safe.