Well here I am again, writing and I don’t know why. I feel that there is something to say, but I don’t know what it is. Very odd feeling I have. I guess that I’ll just go with it and see where it takes me, Kiddo.
I feel that something has changed about myself. I have an idea as to what it is, but I am not quite sure. I mean, I know what it is for the most part, but I am having a difficult time in hitting the bullseye to validate what I think. Sharing a brain with another consciousness is not an easy task, so for me to think I need to squeeze my equal out where I need to be in order to think clearly. 2 consciousnesses cannot be in the same part of the brain at the same time, so when I have a question to ask her I need to be in that part of the brain for a split second, ask what I need to ask, then leave, so that she can answer me. If I stay in that part of the brain for too long there is a chance that I will answer my own question, and that answer could be contaminated by wishful thinking. We all want to hear what we want to hear, but sometimes what we want and what we need are 2 separate things.
Take food for example. I would enjoy a nice, thick steak, cooked medium rare, but since finances are not there for that steak I eat what I can afford. I want steak, but I need to eat, and what’s more important? Exactly. Although I was never in a place where I was starving, I know what it’s like to be hungry and not know what I was going to eat that day, or if I was going to eat that day. So if a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was on the menu for dinner, that it was I ate, and to some that peanut butter and jelly sandwich would taste as good as that steak I want. If someone were to offer me that steak I would find myself with a loss of appetite.
After work last night we stopped at Cumby’s for a half gallon of milk, I like macaroni and cheese and we were out of milk, one of the ingredients. We use Price Rite brand mac and cheese, it is actually very good, better than Kraft’s in my opinion, and for the price of Kraft’s you can get four of Price Rite’s. When I stepped out of our car I looked down and saw an empty bottle of iced tea on the ground. I looked at it for a moment, picked it up and placed it in the trash receptacle 5 feet away. Many thoughts ran through my head after that. We purchased what we needed and came home. And now I’m here.
For the past several weeks I find myself to be not in the most pleasant of moods, and things like I saw today is one of those reasons as to why, I am not in the most pleasant of moods. I am not one of those people who simply turn away from something that they care not to see, or that it might upset them. I don’t go out of my way to look for those things, they just seem to be all around me. Those things are everywhere I go. How can this be?
Not being able to talk with anyone doesn’t help the situation either, especially after a year and a half of silence on my behalf, vocal silence that is. I have only heard myself speak, maybe, 100 words since two Mays ago. I spoke only 9 words to you when you were last in my presence, someone else did all the other talking for me. The other 91 words were mostly replies, like after a cashier tells me to “have a nice day”, and I would return “You too.” Someone is smiling. My voice has become so deep, yet so clear, even I wonder sometimes “Was that really me?” after hearing it, and the answer to that would be “Yes”.
So many changes, yet not the ones that I want. I want things to be good, and the coming generations need things to be good. Right now I see no life of quality, for those coming, and that saddens me, us, if you will. We want things to be right, for right now everything is wrong. I am not a pessimist by any means, I am a Realist, and Reality can not be avoided, or looked away from. One can only turn a blind eye for so long. I know that others feel the same way I do, but they don’t know what to do about it. Getting upset isn’t the answer, getting angry doesn’t solve anything, does it?
Maybe it does. I guess it would depend upon what is causing the anger, and what effect is produced from being angry. I don’t see violence as an answer to anything, except to defend oneself from violent attackers, after all, you can’t defend yourself with a pointy stick when the violent attacker has a machine gun. Violent I am not, and I don’t own a machine gun or any guns. I don’t even own a pointy stick. True story.
I guess that I just wanted to talk to you this morning, Kiddo. I have a lot ahead of me today, such as paying bills, laundry, shopping, and some cleaning. I’m pretty good at cleaning, fast and efficient I am I am, especially when I use “Comet” cleansers. They might not be the strongest cleansers on the market, but they do their job, and besides, why would anyone need “industrial strength” cleansers in their home? How much of a mess could someone possibly make? People are that messy? One nice thing about the Comet cleansers is that they are affordable, $1.08 at the Dollar Tree, very economical.
Anyway, Sweetheart, I need to go, I don’t want to, but I need to. That reminds me of a scene from “Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan”, when Spock says “Sometimes the needs of the few outweigh the wants of the many.” Something like that.
Be safe, Kiddo, and have yourself a phenomenal day.